I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
sarcasm needs its own font
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
