Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
