I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
