his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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