So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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