Don't make out with my wife yet
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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