I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I wish you could order shots online.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We have started to decorate penises.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
