I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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