My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
