She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
