your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
