Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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