My nipple is on Facebook.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
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maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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