Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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