If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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