Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
