we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
