So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
