i would punch a child for taco bell
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you didnt know i had herpes?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
