my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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