He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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