I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
A bitchslap is in order.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
