Is it normal to miss your booty call?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Randomize
