I wanna bring you to show and tell
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
