I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
