The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
