I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
