I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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