What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
