Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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