Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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