Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
