Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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