I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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