In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
