I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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