Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
