this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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