I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
