I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
