He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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