I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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