I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
