Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
