dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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