No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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