Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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