Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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