I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
