I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
