I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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