u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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