My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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