she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
